


Old Memories

by HayaMika, phenomenology



Series: The Adventures of a Master and a Padawan [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen, and partially canon canon, lots of feels, partially legends canon, so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:29:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HayaMika/pseuds/HayaMika, https://archiveofourown.org/users/phenomenology/pseuds/phenomenology
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old, locked up memories are brought forth when Caleb asks Depa about something he learned. Fanfiction Collab with Phenomenology (Flowers-For-The-Devil).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Memories

_“But what's done can never be undone. I know you think I've gone mad. I haven't. What's happened to me is worse. I've gone_ sane _. And nothing is more dangerous than a Jedi who is finally sane."_ **\- Depa Billaba**

* * *

The library in the Jedi Temple was silent, as it normally was, save for the quiet, steady rhythm of a young Padawan clicking through the archives of a computer. Madame Jocasta was bustling around, sorting books onto shelves and glancing over at the Padawan every now and then.

Puffing out a breath of air, catching the ends of his bangs with the breath as his hair flew up a little, Caleb Dume continued his research on The First Battle of Geonosis. His Master had instructed him to spend a couple hours sorting through recent battle records, looking for military tactics used and the statistics of the battles.

Master Billaba hadn’t told Caleb exactly why he was doing this, but he supposed that it was so he could effectively see what sort of strategies worked, were most successful, and which ones were less so.

It was rather boring to say the least. However, Caleb and his neverending thirst for knowledge kept him preoccupied with his research. Every battle he went through only added to the list that he had been scrawling out beside him. There were hundreds of names of Jedi and Padawans alike who had fallen, Caleb only writing down about the first twenty from each battle. On a separate sheet, he had been writing down tactics and outcomes of each battle. Fortunately for him, he was beginning to see a pattern that he could report back on to Master Billaba.

He started looking into the first Battle of Geonosis, reading over the battle's significance in the war they were currently fighting. And, like every other battle, there were several deaths involved. He began scribbling names down onto his paper.  
  
_Joclad Danva - Jedi Knight_

_Lumas Etima - Jedi Padawan_

_Tarados Gon - Jedi Knight_

_Chankar Kim - Jedi Knight_

_Va’too - Jedi Master_

_Tan Yuster - Jedi Padawan_

_Sar Labooda - Jedi Knight_

Caleb couldn’t help but frown as he continued to write down names. So many people lost their lives during these battles, and he couldn’t ignore that little voice in the back of his head asking him why his people risked so much. The thought quickly vanished though, Caleb knowing that the Council and the Senate had reasons for the Jedi’s involvement in the war that he didn’t know. But he did know that they were fighting to try and restore peace to the galaxy, and he figured that was reason enough.

Glancing over his summarized list of names, Caleb couldn’t help returning again to the name Sar Labooda that he had scrawled. Most of the other names he had heard around the Temple at one point or another, but this name he had no idea who it had belonged to.

Curious, Caleb set aside his pencil and began searching through the archives for Sar. Unfortunately, Madame Jocasta chose that moment to stroll up behind him.

“Caleb,” Madame Jocasta chided gently. “You’re letting that intelligent mind of yours wander again. You should be looking through battle records, not individual Jedi profiles.”

Turning in his seat so he could face the older woman, Caleb flashed her an innocent smile. “I’m sorry, Madame Jocasta. I was just looking over the list of names I had been writing down and came across one that I didn’t recognize. I wanted to know more about them. I promise I am focused on my assignment.”

The old woman smiled knowingly and shook her head as she chuckled. “I know you are, young one. However, your Master will want you back soon. So finish up your work and come back later to research it. Or, perhaps you could ask Master Billaba about your unknown Jedi, see if she knows anything about them.”

Caleb perked up a bit, grinning a little broader. “That’s a great idea! I just hope she doesn’t chastise me again for asking too many questions.”

Madame Jocasta laughed, her smile bringing out the crinkles around her eyes, adding to the age lines already creasing her face. “Well, if I remember correctly, your Master seems to think that questioning is the natural state of your mind, young one. I’m sure she’ll understand. Now, run along and find your Master. I think you’ve done enough research for one day.”

* * *

Another long meeting with the Jedi Council had concluded, Depa just having left when she spotted her young Padawan. He had a smile on his face and was carrying a small stack of papers in his hands.

“Master Billaba!” Caleb called as he saw his Master exiting the High Council Spires turbolift. As Caleb ran over to her, Depa stopped in her tracks, waiting for him.

“Caleb, Caleb, quiet down,” she chuckled at his enthusiasm. “I’m guessing that you finished your assignment?” Depa watched as her Padawan fidgeted with the papers in his hands, trying to even them out.

“Almost…I was doing some research on the battles and when I got to The First Battle of Geonosis, I came across a name that didn’t sound familiar. Apparently they died during the battle…” Caleb said, gazing down at his papers.

“Oh? And who is this “Mystery Jedi” you came across?” Depa asked, nodding her head towards her young apprentices papers. Caleb shuffled through the mess of papers until he came across the one he was using to write down the deaths of Jedi in the various battles he was studying.

“Um…oh! Here…” Caleb said as he found the paper. His eyes scanned quickly over the paper until he found the list about Geonosis.

“Their name was…Sar La...Labooda?” He stuttered over the name, trying to make sure he pronounced it correctly. Looking back up at his Master, Caleb noticed a change in Depa’s expression. The calm look that had been on his Master’s face had disappeared, replaced by something akin to anxiety.

“Master Billaba? What’s wrong?” Caleb asked, staring up at his Master with concern.

“Nothing.” Depa said, turning her head to gaze off to the side. Her tone was unconvincing, it didn’t really make it sound like she didn’t know anything.  

“Did you know them?” Caleb asked, curious and knowing that she wasn’t telling him everything. After a moment, Depa sighed shortly and turned to face her Padawan again.

“Yes, I knew Sar. But not very well. A lot of Jedi died in that battle, and it would do you well to not dwell on the names of those passed. I gave you an assignment and you should focus on that.” Depa’s voice held something under her normal calm tone.

“I was focusing on it, Master,” Caleb insisted. “But Sar Labooda’s name confused me because I hadn’t heard of them before. I was only curious and-”

“Enough, Caleb,” Depa cut across her Padawan. “I know you have questions, but now is not the time for them.”

Caleb blinked, standing there as his Master turned away. She had never spoken to him like that and he was confused as to what he had done wrong. Caleb re-adjusted his hold on his papers and shifted from foot to foot, the tension and silence growing awkward between them.

“Go to your quarters, Caleb,” Depa sighed, rubbing her temples, her back to her Padawan. “I’ll look over your work in the morning.”

Caleb didn’t say a word as he watched his Master walk off down the hall towards her quarters. He bit his lip, looked back down to his papers, and organized them as he walked off to his own room.

* * *

Depa sighed as she entered her room, rubbing at her forehead as exhaustion leadened her limbs. Tiredly, she slid off her cloak, folding it and setting it down on the table by the door. The sun over Coruscant was dyeing the skyline with brilliant reds and pinks, a stark contrast against the deep blue of night settling over the opposite horizon.

Turning away from her window, Depa shed her robes and boots, placing the robes neatly atop her cloak and her boots on the floor next to her dresser. Rifling briefly through her dresser, she extracted the simpler set of robes that she wore to bed. Donning them, Depa rubbed at her eyes as she yawned briefly.

Sitting down heavily on the floor, Depa closed her eyes and attempted to meditate, her center and her calm feeling skewed. She had been thrown by Caleb’s questioning about Sar Labooda. As she sat there, she counted her breaths, trying to calm and re-balance herself.

Every time she tried to focus her thoughts, however, the memories from Geonosis returned. The onslaught of emotions that followed inhibited her from becoming completely centered again.

_Depa stood in the thickness of the melee, her lightsaber swinging with skillful motion. She easily cut down the Separatist droids in a methodical rhythm. The younger version of herself blocked out the blaster fire, the high-pitched mechanical screams of the droids, and focused solely on her training, just trying to get through another battle._

_Suddenly, Depa found herself in the midst of a rare break in the battle. Straightening up from her defensive position, the Chalactan female swept her eyes across the littered battlefield of the Geonosian landscape. There was carnage everywhere, from both sides of the battle._

_As she looked around, Depa spotted a familiar face nearby, also standing among the wreckage of the battle, her face covered in grime and sweat, chest heaving from the exertion, but eyes sparkling with life. The young woman looked up in time to catch Depa’s eye, raising her arm to wave across the piles of metal limbs._

_Depa raised her arm to return the gesture, a grin spreading across her face as she did. However, in the same moment she opened her mouth to call out, Depa watched as a blaster shot struck the young woman in the back._

_It happened in slow motion, or at least it did for Depa. She watched the woman’s face freeze before she crumpled to the ground, her limbs collapsing and contracting underneath of her weight, as if they were snapping._

_A scream escaped Depa’s parted lips before she could even think to hold it back. The next thing she knew, Depa was kneeling beside the fallen form of the young woman._

_“Sar!” Depa cried, her voice sounding high and thin in her own ears as she shook Sar’s shoulders. Carefully, Depa rolled Sar over from where she had fallen face down, and gathered up the woman in her arms._

_“Sister! Please,” Depa begged, tears streaking down her face as she implored her sister’s slack face to shift, to show some sign of life. “Please, Sar, wake up! Open your eyes! I’ve got you, you’re going to be okay.”_

_Depa sat there, clutching her sister’s body close. She could still sense Sar through the Force as a medical clone rushed to Depa and Sar’s side. But the moment she relaxed her grip on her beloved sister, Depa could feel the moment Sar slipped away._

_“No!” Depa cried out, scrambling to grab onto her sister’s hand, shoulder, something to anchor her. The sobbing woman could still feel the pain in her back from where Sar had taken the shot, even if her sister was gone, and the pain was unbearable. It seemed to have only magnified with Sar’s passing._

_“Sar! Please, no! Don’t go!” Depa sobbed, her voice rising steadily with desperation. “Sar!”_

Depa jerked, the motion sharp, quickly pulling her out of the past and dropping her harshly into reality once again. Upset with herself for allowing her mind to wander, the Jedi sighed, her entire body exhausted from both the emotional strain and the work she had done today. She barely noticed the tears that had welled up in her eyes in the past few moments until they began to spill over.

Wiping them from her face, she stood and made her way over to her bed, falling onto it heavily. She pulled her blanket over her body, curling into it a bit. Thoughts of her sister drifted through her mind as she fell asleep, too exhausted to try and push them away. **  
**

* * *

When Caleb woke up the next morning and glanced at his clock, he became very worried. Usually he would be awoken by the sound of a knock on his door. His Master would usually come and wake him up in the morning, sometime around 06:30. It was now close to 07:45 and there was still no sign of his Master.

He got himself dressed, pulling on his robes and his boots. He decided he was going to go find his Master himself. He was worried, especially after their little exchange yesterday when he had asked about that Sar Labooda person.

Wandering down the large, arching hallways of the Temple settled Caleb’s nerves slightly. The only sounds to be heard were his own quiet footsteps on the floor, the distant din of Corellian life outside and the gentle beating of rain on the Temple roof. The early mornings were always the quietest, blanketing the Temple in a drowsy sort of feeling that Caleb rather enjoyed.

Approaching his Master’s quarters, Caleb found himself becoming rather nervous. He had never gone to Master Billaba’s room before, as she had always come to fetch him. Caleb wondered if this would be deemed inappropriate or out of place for a Padawan to be doing.

So, naturally, Caleb knocked on Depa’s door.

Everything was silent for a few moments, and then the sound of shuffling feet sounded from behind the door. The noise got louder, closer to the door until eventually the door slid open.

Depa stood before Caleb, her eyes tired and surprised at finding her Padawan standing at her door. The young boy stared up at the older woman, eyes widening a fraction at his Master’s slightly disheveled state.

“Master?” Caleb asked quietly. “Is everything okay? I was worried when you didn’t come to fetch me for training.”

Depa let out a quiet sigh, eyes closing a bit as she tried to straighten herself out, only half dressed. She had gotten her usual robes on, but they were hanging loosely on her thin frame, her bare feet revealing her toes as they curled in slightly on the cool floor. Depa’s hair was a bit disheveled, her braids completely undone, dark hair cascading down her shoulders in messy waves.

Caleb had never seen his Master so rumpled looking, used to her poised and calm state of being. The young Padawan had never even imagined that she could look anything other than well-kept and orderly.

“M-Master?” Caleb stuttered when Depa remained silent.

The Chalactan woman turned back into her room and sat down heavily on her nearby chair. She gestured for her Padawan to come in, which he did hesitantly. As the door to Depa’s room slid shut, Caleb sat down on the floor, tucking his feet underneath himself and staring up at his Master.

The two sat in silence. Caleb was fidgeting nervously with a seam on his jedi robes and Depa was sitting with her left foot up on the chair, her arm wrapped around it with her hand laying lazily on her ankle. Her other arm was lying slack in her lap. She stared off to the side of her room, eyes unfocused and dazed.

Caleb was the first to break the silence that had stretched between the pair.

“Master Billaba, I know that you know more about that Sar Labooda person than you are telling me. Who were they?”

Depa pulled her leg closer to her chest, closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, “I’m sorry Caleb, I…I’ve just been…distracted…”

“Why, Master? Who were they to you?” Caleb’s questions were innocent enough, his eagerness for knowledge to have every question he came up with answered. But for Depa, every new question he posed to her caused her to flinch, almost as if she were being pricked with something sharp. The woman felt as if she were being probed under a light, forced to face the tragedy that had happened on Geonosis all over again.

“Please, Caleb...enough.” Depa pleaded softly, finally turning her eyes to her Padawan. Her gaze implored Caleb to drop the subject, but she could tell from his eyes that he would not rest until he could see his Master focused again. And Caleb believed that if she simply spoke about what was bugging her, she would feel better.

Caleb looked down at his lap before speaking up once more, “Holding it down just distracts you…you wouldn’t want me to keep quiet if something was troubling me.”

Depa’s gaze softened. Despite his stubbornness and his young mind, Caleb was rather wise. She knew there was more than one reason she chose him as her Padawan.

“I…” Depa looked away, eyes closed as she gained sudden interest in her wall once more. She swallowed tightly before speaking again.

“Sar was…she was my sister.”

Caleb’s mouth opened a bit, both in mild shock and wonder. Why would his Master keep this from him? So many questions floated through his mind. What was her sister like? Had they trained together? There were so many things he wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure how to ask them; or if she’d want to even talk about it. His train of thought was cut short as Depa began speaking again.

“We were both brought here to the Temple by Master Windu. When we were young, our parents were killed by a band of pirates. We were kept hostage by these pirates until Master Windu saved us. Sar…she was all I had left of my family.” Depa said, swallowing down a small lump in her throat.

Caleb stared at his Master with slight confusion. “It…It sounds like you had an attachment to her. Isn’t that against Jedi code?”

Depa sighed, looking down at the hand resting on her foot. “In a way, yes. It could partially be fought because we were sisters, but some Jedi would still frown upon it. But the way I see it, all Jedi have their flaws. Mine is...is my attachment to my sister.”

Caleb looked down at his hands, which were folded in his lap. “What was she like?” He asked carefully, not wanting to upset his Master further.

Depa looked to her Padawan, full of questions and curiosity. Sighing, she began telling him about Sar.

“She was a kind woman. Serious and strong hearted and often as curious as you are,” she smiled gently, nodding to Caleb. “We trained together for a while when we were Younglings until she was taken on as a Padawan. She was a year older than I was, so while we were at the same skill level, I wasn’t old enough to become a Padawan. Due to this we spent less time together, but our bond as sisters was still strong. Even when we both grew older, we continued to keep connected. It was harder once I became a Master and joined the Council, but we did what we could.”

She closed her eyes, set her foot back down on the floor, nervously fidgeted with her hands in her lap and gathered herself for the next part of her story. Caleb continued to watch her intently.

“All of that changed though, due to that First Battle on Geonosis. There was a break in the fighting and I could see her from the other side of the battle field. Seconds later, I watched Sar…” Depa paused, swallowing thickly and curling her toes in a bit. “Sar was…shot…in the back by one of the droids…”

Depa’s sight began to blur as her flashbacks began to return, obscuring her vision. However, this time she forcibly repressed them, focusing instead on her Padawan’s face. He shouldn’t have to see Depa in that state. Breathing deeply, she continued.

“A-A medical clone tried to help but I-I could tell she was gone by the t-time he got there…” Depa said, her voice becoming unsteady. “It a-all happened so fast. I c-could feel her pain through the Force…I-I desperately wanted to h-help her but…”

She was cut short, partially because her voice failed her, but also by the soft shuffling of feet moving towards her. Moments later she felt something wipe at her cheek. Opening her eyes and raising her head slightly, Depa found Caleb standing in front of her, using one of his smaller hands to wipe a wet substance from her cheeks.

“I’m sorry Master…I didn’t mean to upset you with all of this…” Caleb said, his voice soft. The young boy was mildly surprised at his Master’s loss of emotional control. Caleb had always thought of his Master as being in total control of herself and her emotions. He never thought he’d see her break down like she was now.

Depa wiped at her eyes, gently pushing Caleb’s away, as she tried to dry her cheeks. She found her efforts to be futile though. No matter how many times she used the edges of her sleeve and the heels of her hands to push away her tears, more continued to fall. Eventually, the woman buried her face in her hands, letting out a soft sob, unable to meet her apprentice’s eyes.

Caleb watched, unsure of what to do, as his Master desperately tried to keep her emotions in check. He stood before her, fidgeting with the ends of his robes and shifting from foot to foot. Cautiously, the Padawan moved closer to his Master.

Depa felt a gentle weight press against her side, arms wrapping around her shoulders in a comforting gesture. She lifted her face from her hands, finally finding enough courage to try and face her student.

What she found instead, was Caleb hugging her, his face pressed into her shoulder. Depa could sense the awkward tension flooding through the boy. Physical contact was rare and unfamiliar to many Jedi, and Caleb was obviously unsure as to whether or not he was crossing a boundary that he should have stayed behind.

Caleb was about to pull away, about to retreat from his Master’s quarters, thinking that he had overstepped and was going to get in trouble for his misstep later. But just as the young boy was about to pull away, Depa wrapped her arms around Caleb, pressing her face into his shoulder too. Her action surprised Caleb, the motion unexpected and leaving him speechless.

“I’m sorry that you had to see me like this Caleb,” Depa said, her voice hoarse with emotion. “I was unprepared to think about my sister again, but this is in no way your fault.” Straightening up, Depa held her student at arm’s length, her hands on his shoulders as he stared back at his Master, watching her face physically regain control.

Eventually, she smiled warmly at him, her normal demeanor seeming to fall back into place. Caleb could still sense that some pieces of her were askew, out of place, and perhaps not even entirely there. But he could see the Master he knew, and respected, sitting before him again.

“How about we go train for a little? Maybe the exercise will do us both some good,” Depa suggested, her eyes sparkling now that the topic had switched over to something less painful.

Believing that the practice would be good for both his Master’s physical and emotional state, Caleb nodded in agreement, more for his Master’s sake than his own. The pair stood, Caleb leaving Depa to herself for a few moments so she could finish getting ready for the day, and made his way to the training rooms near the center of the Temple.

While Caleb went off on his own, Depa continued to ready herself. She adjusted her robes, pulled on her boots, and set to work on getting her hair back up into her signature braids. While she was doing so, she couldn’t help but continue to think about her sister, even if she had reassured Caleb that she was going to try and stop. Watching her reflection in the mirror, Depa felt a small stab in her chest as her eyes fell upon her Greater and Lesser Marks of Illumination. Sar had always talked about trying to obtain her’s as well, and Depa had tried her hardest to make sure her sister would get that chance. She had been so close to doing so before the battle that took her away.

With a sigh, Depa pinned her braids into place and hooked her lightsaber to her belt, securing it in it’s place. As she left her room, the familiar weight of it’s presence against her hip comforted her, reminding Depa of why she was still able to continue on. Caleb reminded her of Sar, full of life and ambition, always looking for answers and wanting to do what was right. Depa had promised herself long ago that she would keep fighting, if not for herself, than for her sister.

And she was glad she had. Caleb had shown her that the attachment she had with her sister, one that was often frowned upon in the Order, was nothing to be ashamed of. Depa could embrace her connection with her sister, for it was something that allowed her to keep fighting, even though Sar was no longer physically by her side. She had Caleb, and that was all the motivation she needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Haya: We both took a lot of creative liberty while writing this, since Sar character has little to nothing mentioned about her throughout the star wars universe.
> 
> Flowers: We both really enjoyed working on this piece! And we hope all of you enjoy reading it! And we apologize if pieces of it don't make sense. As we said, Sar has very limited canon information available to work with. Thank you!


End file.
